How well do you listen (really listen) when others speak? Active listening is a part of our verbal communication soft skills that are highly desired by employers. Some people say that active listening is the most important of our verbal communication skills. Excellent active listening skills can increase your productivity and solve problems. It builds trust and improves relationships by establishing rapport.
What is Active Listening?
Active listening occurs when we give someone our full, deliberate, and undivided attention and remember what we hear. The objective is to understand both the message and the individual. Achieving this level of mindfulness requires us to use multiple senses and concentration.
"We are losing our listening." Julian Treasure
In a 2011 Ted Talk, Julian Treasure stated, “We are losing our listening.” Furthermore, he pointed out that we retain only 25% of what we hear. Assuming this is true, imagine how much information we are missing.
In today’s environment, texting, email, and social media have replaced much of traditional vocal conversation. Data noise is everywhere you turn. Where can I find the time to listen to someone else talk? You may feel that listening is too difficult. Listening skills have diminished, but the need for them has not.
Don’t be disheartened. With some discipline and practice, you can learn to become a better listener. Mastery of active listening is a complicated process. It takes conscious action, training, patience, and practice, much practice. But the outcome can be life-changing.
We have summarized these actions into six areas and use the acronym RESPECT (Receive, Empathize, Summarize, Paraphrase, Encourage, Clarify, Thanks) to remember them. In addition to what each letter represents, the word the acronym spells (RESPECT) is essential. Respect for the other person and their perspective is vital for successful active listening.
Receive
Give undivided attention. When someone wants to tell you something, receive what they say by giving your dedicated attention and letting them know are listening. It may be a coworker explaining a project, your boss giving direction, or someone confiding in you. Whatever the situation, view it as the compliment it is when they trust you enough to share their thoughts. Receive the message with your full concentration of the speaker.
Avoid “squirrels.” If you have seen the movie “Up,” you will understand what we mean when we say avoid “squirrels.” The term “squirrels” refers to being easily distracted by everything that moves or noises nearby. Don’t let conversations at the next table, someone walking by, or sounds down the hall cause your attention to deviate from the conversation.
Control your thoughts. In addition to avoiding environmental distractions, you must prevent mental wandering. Have you ever been guilty of letting your mind stray while someone else was talking? It can be embarrassing when you are asked a question, and you don’t know what was just said. Avoid allowing your mind to daydream or think about other things such as happy hour, dinner, to-do list, or planning your rebuttal.
Are you the type of communicator who can’t wait until your turn to speak? Do you prepare what you are going to say at first pause while the other person is speaking? Some people are so eager to talk that they don’t hear what others say. When they do this, they risk their response being inappropriate or offensive to the person. Remember, while the speaker is talking, stay focused on the message and not thinking about what you want to say.
Use positive body language. Look at the person. Make eye contact but don’t stare. Using about 60% to 70% eye contract demonstrates to the individual that you are listening.
Position yourself facing and lean slightly toward the speaker. Positive mirroring of expressions and posture implies attentiveness and may relax the speaker. Avoid any body language such as crossed arms that would signal, “I’m not interested.”
Show your interest with an occasional nod, facial expression, or speaking a brief “yes,” or “uh huh.” These small gestures serve as acknowledgment and demonstrate to the speaker that you are listening.
Empathize
Listening to understand is one of the most respectful things you can do for someone else. In addition to giving attention to what the speaker is saying, you should seek to understand how the speaker is feeling.
Observe the speaker’s body language, as well as the tone and cadence of voice. These signals can provide you with insight into the speaker’s emotions and give you a better sense of what is said so you can respond thoughtfully.
Seek to understand what is said and which emotions are driving it. You may have a strong counter-position about the subject. Receive the message with an open mind. Hold back on forming any judgment or providing an opinion. Put aside your agenda and views and show respect for the speaker’s position. Focus on attempting to feel what the speaking is feeling.
Summarize
At the conclusion of the conversation, recap the key points. Summarizing provides validation of being heard to the speaker. It also reinforces your comprehension of the information. In a business discussion, summarizing ensures that responsibilities and actions are clearly understood.
Paraphrase
We all know you should avoid interrupting the speaker. However, during the conversation, you can paraphrase significant points. Paraphrasing demonstrates to both you and the speaker how well you were listening. Do not repeat word for word (parrot) what the speaker has said. Instead, restate it in your terms with the same meaning and emotion. Then, ask if your interpretation is correct. Keep this to a minimum, with it being 20% or less of the conversation.
Encourage
Encourage others to share their ideas and recommendations. Allow about 80% of the time for them to speak. Don’t feel the need to talk every time the speaker pauses.
Most of us are uncomfortable with moments of silence in conversations and feel a need to fill the gap. Allow some periods of silence. The speaker may need a little time to collect his thoughts. Active listening requires patience. You can encourage the speaker to continue with phrases like, “What happened next?” or “Tell me more about …”.
Clarify
Use open-ended questions to seek clarification for anything that seems ambiguous or confusing. Open-ended questions encourage continued discussion and support an accurate understanding of the topic. You can use gentle probing questions to obtain additional information. But, avoid being too aggressive with your questions, or the speaker may feel attacked.
Thanks
When the speaker has finished, show your appreciation with a “Thank You.” Whatever the situation, at the conclusion, you should express your gratitude.
Do you have a story or similar experience that demonstrates your understanding of their situation? Was the topic controversial, and you feel the need to share your opinion?
Wait until the end to share. Ask the person if she is interested in your idea before giving it. If the speaker shared a personal account, avoid one-upping (having a more significant story).
When you give your thoughts, do so in a calm, non-confrontational manner. Deliver your opinion for consideration while maintaining respect for the other person’s different point of view.
Applying Active Listening
Since I have been called a motor mouth on more than one occasion in my life, this article screamed at me. Even though I have had a successful career, it was not until the last few years that I realized how much I talked and just how poor my listening skills were. By practicing active listening, I have become more self-aware and more tuned-in to other people’s interests (or lack of) in what I am saying.
Just the other morning, my husband and I were on the deck having coffee. I was telling him about some recent news. In the middle of my monologue, he started talking about the shadows made by the rising sun (his squirrel).
My first thought was, “he’s not interested in what I’m saying.” So, I ceased talking about the news and joined his admiration of the sunrise. If he were actively listening to me, he would have come back to my conversation. But, he didn’t. Fortunately, enjoying the sunrise was a better option.
What is your weakest area? Does your mind wander? Do you continuously interrupt? Do you have to one-up with your story? Are you wondering about your active listening skills? Try this self-assessment link on the McGraw Hill Online Learning site. It is a short 15 statement inventory of active listening skills. In the assessment, you rate your skill level in each area from 1 (not at all) to 5 (very much). Once completed, you click, ‘Score yourself,’ and you see a summary of how you scored in areas of avoiding interruption, maintaining interest, postponing evaluation, organizing information, and showing interest.
While active listening is common courtesy and a demonstration of professionalism, it requires discipline. This discipline strengthens us in numerous ways. By practicing active listening, you can increase your knowledge of subjects. Apply these active listening tools when working with customers, and you may increase sales. Through the use of paraphrasing, open-ended questions, and summarizing, you can avoid missing critical information. Active listening helps establish rapport and build relationships, thus improving team collaboration, customer relations, and problem-solving.
Becoming a skilled, effective communicator requires practice. Use the RESPECT tips (Receive, Empathize, Summarize, Paraphrase, Encourage, Clarify, Thanks) to improve your active listening skills.
This post is the second in a series of posts on communication. To be notified of new postings, be sure to subscribe at https://www.professionallysuited.com.
Comments